Alando Tucker for player of the year

So I'm sitting here watching the Iowa/Indiana and the Wisconsin/Northwestern basketball games and was thinking about a number of non-basketball related stuff like taxes and work. One thing I was thinking about was some thoughts from a book I've been reading.

I've been thinking about the idea of grace and love. What does it mean to be shown grace and to receive love from someone. I don't know if it is a societal thing or just part of being a human, but it seems so hard for me to actually receive grace and love in the true way it is intended to be received. Grace is not something that is earned. If you are a Christian, then you say "of course, I know that". But what does that really mean and do I know that on more than just some intellectual, conceptual way.

I love to help others out. I truly get joy by being able to provide for someone's needs and show them my love for them. I read something in the book I'm reading that really got deeper into myself. The author talked about how he loved to give charity to people, but hated the idea of being charity. It was more than just a matter of not wanting to be too much of a burden on them or trying to serve them by not being difficult. It was an issue of pride. He felt like he was above grace... above receiving someone's love without deserving each and every bit of it. Even though I don't think I'm all that prideful in some areas, I think this is one thing that I have struggled with. I don't want to be charity. I want feel like I'm capable of taking care of all my needs. I didn't see this as pride, but a noble task.

I've been learning what it looks like to not hide your weaknesses. What it means to let God work through your weakness. Instead of spending efforts to hide things, rather spend them developing a reliance and trust on God. I think this is starting to translate over to people for me as well.... not having feeling like I should necessarily deserve the love of people that truly care about me. Its a difficult thing to grasp though. It just doesn't seem right. I feel like I should get my self-worth from how much I can help others and how little I myself need the love and affection of friends. Or at least not letting that love exceed what I deserve from how much I do for them.